Thanksgiving Turkey

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed some other supplies for the family gathering, and asked my sister to get them for her from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the birds back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!” At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

The Koala and The Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up, and says, “Hey Koala! What are you doing?”

The koala says, “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

So the little lizard climbs up, sits next to the koala, and they burn a few. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and goes to get a drink from the river. However, the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard, and helps him to the side, then asks, “What’s the matter with you?” The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest. He finds the tree where the koala is sitting, just finishing a joint, and he looks up and shouts, “Hey you!”

The koala looks down at him and says, “Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude… How much water did you drink?!!”

“Damn!” says the little old lady, “I’d better go back and see if I can find some. Thanks for the warning!”

“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?”

“Oh, no,” says the little old lady. “You see, my backyard opens up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Every time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through, I say: ‘$20 or off it comes!’”

“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “Good luck! Oh, but before you go, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well,” says the little old lady, “Not all of them pay.”