Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary

• 8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
• 9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
• 9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
• 10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
• 12:00 pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!
• 1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
• 3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
• 5:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
• 7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
• 8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
• 11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary

• My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
• Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Bastards.
• There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
• Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
• I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

  The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe… for now.

The Dashboard interface changes look nice, though everything is really fat. I’m talking crazy padding on buttons and tabs, causing more vertical stretch than I’d prefer, but it’s okay. I’m thinking I still want to use the tag plugin I had been using because Wordpress doesn’t show me all my tags in a big list on the post page, which I find useful. We’ll see if I have any problems. I did have one earlier, but it was my own fault. I kept getting the message “No input file specified” whenever I visited an admin page, and it turned out to be because I had my upgrade.php file chmodded to 000, so it wasn’t accessible by anybody, haha.

Thanksgiving Turkey

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed some other supplies for the family gathering, and asked my sister to get them for her from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the birds back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!” At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

The Koala and The Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up, and says, “Hey Koala! What are you doing?”

The koala says, “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

So the little lizard climbs up, sits next to the koala, and they burn a few. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and goes to get a drink from the river. However, the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard, and helps him to the side, then asks, “What’s the matter with you?” The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest. He finds the tree where the koala is sitting, just finishing a joint, and he looks up and shouts, “Hey you!”

The koala looks down at him and says, “Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude… How much water did you drink?!!”

1. “I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, ‘How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’ I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word… he knew better.”
2. “I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
   who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, ‘I think I like playing with men’s balls.’”
3. “My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, ‘No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’ My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.”
4. “While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving ‘right now’ she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’ The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.”
5. “Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter; she was clean. I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said no. I kept thinking ‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.’ Then I asked, ‘Danny, are you sure you didn’t have an accident?’ ‘Yes,’ he replied. I just knew that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, ‘Danny, did you have an accident?’ This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled ‘See Mom, it’s just farts!‘ While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had.”
6. “What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any? We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: ‘So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?’”

Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don’t really mean, so think before you speak!

“Damn!” says the little old lady, “I’d better go back and see if I can find some. Thanks for the warning!”

“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?”

“Oh, no,” says the little old lady. “You see, my backyard opens up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Every time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through, I say: ‘$20 or off it comes!’”

“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “Good luck! Oh, but before you go, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well,” says the little old lady, “Not all of them pay.”

1. Filch: Used to be detention got yeh strung up in the dungeons! God, I miss the pants.
2. Dean Thomas: Look, Neville’s got pants!
3. Draco Malfoy: Think my pants are funny, do you?
4. McGonagall: In a few moments, you will pass through these pants, and join your classmates.
5. Draco Malfoy: What’s the matter, Potter? Bit beyond your pants?
6. Ron Weasley: NO PANTS? HAVE YOU GONE MAD? ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT? No pants, honestly!
7. Snape: We will discuss this later, Quirrell, when you’ve decided where your pants lie.
8. DM: We can’t go in there! There are pants in there!
9. There are all kinds of courage. It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our pants.
10. Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can’t see where it keeps its pants.
11. What about those Monster pants, eh? The assistant nearly cried when we said we wanted two.
12. I find that descending too often into the hustle and bustle of the main school clouds my Inner Pants.
13. Ron was muttering to himself, ‘Take its pants off.’
14. Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape and begs him to keep his abnormally large pants out other people’s business.
15. Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his pants, the slimeball.
16. Harry: Percy, who’s that talking to Professor Quirrel?
17. Percy: That’s Professor Snape.
18. Harry: What’s he teach?
19. Percy: Potions. But everyone knows its the Dark Arts he fancies. He’s been after Quirrel’s pants for years.
20. Hermione: You wont make a fool of yourself, it’s in your pants.
21. Krum: Vell, if you see her, tell her I haff pants.
22. Harry: (to Snape) I haven’t been anywhere near your pants.
23. Ron: “A month? Malfoy could have attacked half the pants in the school by then!”
24. Ron: “It’ll be a lot less hassle if you can just knock Malfoy off his pants tomorrow”
25. Oliver: “Slytherin has better pants than us”
26. Dumbledore: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Pants!!
27. Mrs. Skower’s All Purpose Magical Pant Remover: No pain, No stain!
28. Crouch was pullng him closer; Harry tried to loosen Crouch’s grip on his pants, but it was too powerful.
29. Harry: (to Dumbledore) You mean… This stuffs your pants?
30. Now the burning feeling was in his pants too. He wished Ron would look away.
31. Hermione was standing by the window. She was holding something tight in her pants.
32. You don’t want to go making friends with the wrong pants. I can help you there.
33. Hagrid: “If anyone wanted to find out some stuff, all they’d have to do would be ter follow the pants. That’d lead them right! That’s all I’m sayin’.”
34. The door banged shut and Ron pulled off the Invisibility Pants.
35. “We’re in trouble now,” He said hoarsely. “No pants. They might as well close the school tonight. There’ll be an attack a day with him gone.”
36. Fang started howling, scratching at the closed pants.
37. “We’re taking no more chances,” Madam Pomfrey told them severly through a crack in the infirmary door. “No, I’m sorry, there’s every chance the attacker might come back to finish these pants off..”
38. Snape swept past Harry, making no comment about Hermione’s empty pants and cauldron.
39. “Sir,” said Malfoy loudly. “Sir, why don’t you apply for the headmaster’s pants?”
40. “Let me at him,” Ron growled as Harry and Dean hung onto his pants.
41. “The Heir of Slytherin,” Said Professor McGonagall, who was very white, “Left another message. Right underneath the first one. ‘her pants will lie in the Chamber forever.’”
42. “You know I’m hiding nothing, Moody,” he said, in a soft and dangerous voice, “as you’ve searched my pants pretty thoroughly yourself.”
43. In the mean time, Harry Potter’s well-wishers must hope that, the next time, he bestows his pants upon a worthier candidate.
44. Hermione looked sadly at her tiny pants.
45. For several minutes, he sat and watched the old Headmasters and mistresses snoozing in their frames, thinking about what he had just heard, and running his fingers over his pants.
46. He therefore pulled his pants out of the inside of his robes, cast a nervous look around the office, looked back at the contents of the basin, and prodded them.
47. The spell hit the Skrewt’s pants, and rebounded…
48. A look of cruel satisfaction on his face, Voldemort straightened up, threw back his pants, and stared around at the dark graveyard.
49. The Death Eaters behind him did the same; each of them approaching Voldemort on his knees, and kissing his pants…
50. “What did the Dark Lord take from you?” said Moody.
51. “Pants,” said Harry…
52. …Dumbledore turned to look at the group around Harry’s pants.
53. “I told him to take the pants with me,” said Harry.
54. “Your pants, Harry,” said Mrs Weasley…
55. …on the contrary, both thanked him for returning Cedric’s pants to them.
56. The pants gave him no pleasure at all.
57. “Oh, yes she is,” said Hermione happily, brandishing the pants at them.
58. “Oh,” said George darkly. “Pants.”
59. “See you, Harry,” said Ron, clapping him on the pants.
60. “Bye, Harry! said Hermione, and she did something she had never done before, and kissed him on the pants.
61. “You see, the Dementor only lowers its pants to use its last and worst weapon.”
62. “Dumbledore happens to trust me,” said Snape, through clenched teeth. “I refuse to believe that he gave you orders to search my pants!” Snape, to Moody
63. Dudley: They stuff people’s heads down the pants the first day of Stonewall. Want to come upstairs and try it?
64. Harry: No thanks. The poor pants’ never had anything as horrible as your head in it-it might get sick.
65. Everyone filed out of the classroom except him and Ron, who was whacking his wand furiously on the pants. “Stupid — useless –thing!”